so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We had to coat check the pizza.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
