My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
