I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
