my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
