Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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