Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
