so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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