my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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