Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
