Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
