After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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