I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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