No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
