Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
