Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
