My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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