Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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