your parents love me but you hate me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
