at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
