i jhust puked up my retainher.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
