Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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