Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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