So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
