I hate all girls vehemently.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
