If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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