found the other keg... it's in the tree
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
