i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
