You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
