I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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