Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
