I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
