there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
