Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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