I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
