EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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