dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
