I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
