if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We're too hungover to prance.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
