You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
