We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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