Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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