Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
