Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
