Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
