i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My underwear smells like fireworks.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
