so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
