Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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