if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
