wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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