positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
