did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Did I show you my penis last night?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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