i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Semen is not good for contacts.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
